My heart feels like it has been shattered into tiny pieces. Over the last couple days I've been debating sharing these scan results with everyone. This journey has felt like a roller-coaster with highs and lows, and I didn't see the point in pulling everyone along for the ride. And then today I realized those who care enough to read this blog want to know it all. They want to celebrate with me, laugh and cry with me, and I felt I needed to be honest with my writing for them.
My brain MRI from last week showed I have TWO new lesions in my brain. My first thoughts were of frustration and defeat, but it's soaked in a little more now. Now I am just scared. I'm terrified. Not of these two tiny intruders, but of the bigger picture. What does this MEAN? Are my medications no longer working? The rest of my body is clear so there is no doubt they are still partially working. But for some reason they have decided to let down their guard and let these melanoma cells set up camp in my brain. I'm confident a course of gamma knife radiation will kill these cells, but how many more will there be? I'm scared of what this means in the long run... or near future. I'm scared that God hasn't been hearing my prayers, and I'm scared that I'm even questioning that.
But I feel fantastic. I feel healthy and happy and kind of like this is all a bad dream. Almost every morning back in 2015 I woke up and remembered I had cancer, and I wanted to cry. I only just recently got to the point where I could wake up in the morning, remember my whole situation and feel happiness instead of fear. I'm trying my hardest to set aside my fear. I'm handing it to God, and to my doctors, and I'm choosing to continue moving forward with life. Like I've said before, as long as I'm not in pain, the cancer is not winning.
I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate others viewing me as weak, or sick. But with that being said I love all of the support and care I've been getting from my friends and family, It motivates me and keeps me going, and if it gets to the point where I need help from others, I won't hesitate to ask for it. If you are someone who believes in the power of prayer please keep me in your thoughts. I promise there will be good news to share again soon, but for now I just need your prayers.
This picture is from my first gamma knife session. But the message still applies...
